Laundry

I have done some thinking recently. I am now of the opinion that you can gain some deep insights into a persons soul by the way they fold laundry. Well, maybe not deep soulful ones, but I think you can glean something from looking at their freshly pressed clothes. I was looking at the difference between the way I fold my clothes as compared to my mother. My mom grew up on a farm, so she's used to work and has a good work ethic. And so on. She also tends not to be in a huge hurry unless she is about to be late for something. I, on the other hand, am always in a hurry to get everywhere except for the place that I work. I try to go slowly there. Unless I'm running late, then I zoom along as fast as humanly possible while still abiding by all of the traffic laws.

Our two different ways of living are self evident in our clothes-folding. Maybe thats the wrong time to use the phrase "self evident," but if you think I care you are sorely mistaken. My clothes, as if in tribute to my way of living, tend to look as if they were folded in two seconds flat. In fact, they probably were. They get wrinkles in them that I don't care about or notice until I put it on, and by then all that is left to do is some quick hand pressing and miracle hoping. Or I just throw on a sweatshirt and call it good.

My mom, on the other hand, folds clothes as if she plans to wear them. Silly mom, everyone knows you only wear clothes once. Or maybe not. Her clothes could be on display in a store window as a classic example of how to keep clothes looking nice. Well too bad, I'm always in a hurry. I couldn't possibly take the extra few seconds to make it look nice, now could I? Well I could but I doubt I could make mine look very nice. Maybe it is a talent you are born with. I think I'll tell her that next time she tries to get me to fold clothes. "Hey mom, why don't you do it, you're a natural clothes folder." I'm sure she would be extremely flattered.

What is my purpose in life?

I was recently asked by one of my avid readers to write a post about why I, one of the most important people on the planet, writes this blog. Well, dear reader, I began this as an assignment. Simple as that. "Hey," I hear you saying," Thats not a very good purpose, thats just why you started not why you write those amazing posts." Well I just thought I'd tell you, no reason to get so snippy with me.

The reason I write about some of the most random topics is pretty simple. Writing about something like music, or television would be very easy. I could listen to the music I always listen to and pick out three songs a week to write about. But how boring would that be? Nobody would want to read it, and it would be a waste of my time. Time is money, money is time, wasting either is bad. So what I do is write about anything I can think of. I think this shows itself to be pretty apparent. Wait, I hear someone piping up in the back. You think thats an even bigger waste of time, do you, you little short fat person? Well here's what I think. I think that my blog is funny. I mean, I'm practically talking to myself. If I someone talking to themselves on the street I might stop and listen, it would be funny, wouldn't it? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I write about any old topic just to entertain. I know of at least one person that reads my blog regularly and for fun, and that is enough for me. If my writing can entertain, if me mumbling through life about any old thing can be funny, I might as well keep it up. And so I will, at least until the end of the year. After that, no guarantees can be made. After all, I am one of the most important people in the world and my time is like gold. Thanks for reading, you know who I'm talking to when I mention the one reader. You're a trooper!

Hey guess what, I've done some more milk research.

Okay so this was just funny and my last post was getting a bit long, so I decided to just creat a whole new one and continue on.

• "There is a milk tax, do you know what they do with it?" I was expecting something horrible or tragic. Like murdering small children in africa or something. Well... it is much less dramatic than our milk-hating friend would let us think. They pay important people to advertise milk! OH MY GOD! I know, my heart almost exploded with the absolute unfairness of it. How dare a business (I use the term loosely) use their tax revenue on advertising. Its despicable. Its horrible. I can hardly hold my disgust inside. NOT. This guy is seriously screwed up. What does he care if people use their 5 million or so a year to pay for advertising and to paint the upper lip of important people white. It gets worse. He goes on to whine that they used a black person in their advertising. Racist much? He tries to cover up is blunder by saying that ninety percent of african americans are lactose intolerant. I've never met one. I do realise that the problem is abnormally high in pretty much all peoples that aren't of European decent, but seriously, why mention the black guy on the poster. And its 80% anyway, not 95. That 15% percent of people can make quite a large difference. Idiot.

Okay next I will display a short list. This list comes from the notmilk.com homepage. It is a list of things that so-called scientists have shown to be caused by milk. Lets take a look and see if we really believe him.

• Arthritis
• Acid Blood (Wouldn't we be dying??!?!? The human body needs a very specific blood acidity to keep working, and despite my large dairy product intake I seem to still be breathing)
• Acne
• Addiction (What??? Addiction? This guy is insane.)
• Alzheimers
• Anemia
• Attention Deficit
• Bedwetting
• Bone Disease
• Irritable Bowel Syndrome
• Breast cancer
• Colic
• Common Cold (I know and you know that this is caused by a virus. Robert Cohen thinks that milk proteins cause it. Go figure.)
• Congestion
• Crohn's Disease
• Diabetes
• Death
• Depression
• Ear Infections
• Early Maturity

The list goes on and on. And on. And on. Feel free to take a look at notmilk.com, its their entire homepage. They even have links with fun suggestions like "give your carolers soymilk" or (and this one pertains to a researcher) "the dairy man is a whore/liar." The creators of notmilk seem a little miffed that somebody would go so far as to present real research to the public and let it get written in the paper. Robert Cohen really needs a life.

And so do I, which is why that is where I'm leaving the milk topic. Hopefully for a long time, but maybe if I get really really bored I'll bring it back up again. It seems to get my blood and anger flowing as if my mom had died from a (milk related, I'm sure) car accident. Maybe drinking milk makes you driving incapable.

Robert Cohen is a Hoax, continued.

Okay I'm back, stop worrying. Do you think we should just start up where we left off at the end of the last post? May as well. Lets get down to business.

• "They can smell it on our skin." Smell what, I hear you asking? Rotten milk. Apparently the Japanese call us the butter people because they can smell "rotten, putrefying" milk. Seems a bit unlikely but hey, maybe the people that visit Japan like bathing in milk. Who am I to refute this claim, I've never been there? Its the next part that gets my hackles a-goin'. He states that there are two amino acids responsible for this. Just a little background for those who have forgoteen (I'm sure none of you would have, but its just a kindness sort of thing). There are 20 amino acids that exist, and their purpose in life is to be bonded together to make polypeptides, generally in the form of proteins or hormones. With just that limited knowledge you may actually believe what Mr. Cohen says. Well don't, theres more info to come. Every single protein starts out with methionine. I repeat EVERY protein starts out with a methionine. It is the start codon. The beginning point. Without it, there would be no proteins (by the way he spells it wrong if you ever look around. He's dumb, I know). Turns out cysteine actually exists, though I hadn't heard of it (hold in the shock people, I'm not all knowing). Robert says that we smell like rotten eggs because of the sulfur in these. First of all, the rotten egg smell is not pure sulfur atoms floating around, its sulfuric compounds; second of all, both molecules have just one atom of sulfur in them, and they don't just let them go. They stay in your cells doing helpful things like keeping us alive. They don't have time to be floating around making sulfurous compounds and being sniffed by the Japanese. These molecules are busy little buggers I tell you. No time to bandy with foreigners.

The Crazy Milkman Continued

Okay so pretty much the entire previous post was a quote from this guy, named Robert Cohen. It quite obviously demonstrates his hatred for milk and butter et cetera. Anyone with even a bit of biology smarts can see through some of the things he is saying. In my opinion, one of the greatest loves he ever had was stolen by a cowboy, and now he's trying to get revenge. I mean seriously, he's saying all this stuff that just makes no sense at all and is backed up by one person only. Himself.

http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/lactoseintolerance/#risk

Shall I list some of these things for you? I think I shall!

• "Milk causes cancer, and milk is the only food proven to help breast cancer grow." Really now? Do we believe this? I don't, I suppose it could have been "proven" by his research. He is probably the only person whose research proves thus, I think that the FDA or the ADA or CFY or some other administration would have noticed something as major as this and said something by now? What's his claim for the reason we haven't heard anything? Lobbyists. Yeah. Apparently there are milk lobbyists that are messing with the FDA. Sounds real plausible. Real. Real. Plausible.
• "Milk is chock full of horrible viruses and bacteria" Okay, he's saying there are some super bad types of tuberculosis bacteria in milk. And "leukemia causing" bacteria. I think that more people would actually have leukemia if this were true. And people would be getting tuberculosis from milk would they not? I tell you, this is just the beginning.
• "Milk is liquid meat" My first red flag is that meat is, well, red. Milk is white. Doesn't look like blended meat to me. I know, I know, I'm being too literal. Get over it. Milk is a body fluid designed to provide fat, protein, and nutrients to young cows. Muscle (meat) is found in most multi cellular organisms and is for moving. They don't have the same purpose, and obviously will not have the same ingredients. Though milk does have a decent amount of protein, it only has one eighth of the protein that is in meat. I'm sensing the fishiness levels rising. Its definitely starting to smell vaguely like the ocean around here.
• "Milk causes puberty to begin earlier" Let me get my immaturity out real quick. If puberty is beginning oh so early here ( he states it starts earliest in the united states) why do we still have high school seniors sounding like fifth graders? You tell me, must be some rare form of maturity caused by a gene mutation stemming from drinking milk. Sounds like something this Cohen guy would say.

Okay so this post is getting a bit lengthy and I still have a lot to say, so I'm going to sign off and I'll talk to you again sometime in the near future, if you're really lucky maybe even tonight! (As if anybody is actually waiting at the edge of their seats to read this).

The Crazy Milkman

"Three to four quarts. Can you imagine? It's evenly dispersed throughout all of your internal organs so that your kidneys are a sponge for mucus. I have an autopsy of a very famous American athlete. Go back to Flo-Jo when she won her gold medal in the Olympics, and she died after she did a milk mustache ad, after she ate pizza -- fifteen hours after she had her last meal, she died and in her stomach were 250 cubic centimeters of undigested mozzarella cheese, 15 hours after she ate it, and the body was in such distress because it couldn't break that down that her body produced a tremendous amount of histamines, which made a tremendous amount of mucus. She had one drug in her body, Benadryl, which is an antihistamine -- she knew she was congested.
And the coroner slicing through her kidney described the thick, viscous phlegm that came out of the kidney, the entire lungs, the trachea and the tracheal-bronchial tree were acutely, in the coroner's words, were acutely congested from mucus. She even had finger marks on her throat, and that pizza she ate, she ate her last meal at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and died at 6 a.m. the next day -- 15 hours later, that mozzarella was still not digested, and the congestion from that… that's why I say seven days no dairy, have pizza for dinner, ice cream for dessert, the next morning, you're going to wake up so congested, so mucusy, it's depressing what it does to you. You diminish your lung capacity, sexual drive, it messes you up in the toilet -- it's nice to be dairy-free for that week, because once you see both extremes, I can't imagine how anybody would go back to using dairy products.
You can smell it coming out of them. And it really is something….you are what you eat. I find, if you were to ask me the key to health, the key to health versus disease, is animal protein is very different from plant protein. And for years, vegetarians would argue that it's the same protein -- you get everything the same! It's not the same protein. Animal protein has a lot more of two amino acids - one is methianine, and the other is cysteine, and those two amino acids have as their central atom sulfur. Now, imagine the smell of rotten eggs infusing into every cell of your body. The sulfur rotten egg smell is what we smell. It's what vegans or vegetarians smell on meat-eaters. And the more chicken you eat, the more you're going to stink. And the more you're going to stink and your own body fluids are going to stink. That TV show Sex and the City had a very special episode regarding that, but we may not go into that in this interview.
But vegans, people who are eating a plant-based diet, are eating very clean fuel for their bodies. And of course, milk is liquid meat. Milk and dairy products are the worst form of these polluting substances. Not only with the tremendous dioxin level, but with the tremendous amount of sulfur. You don't want that rotten egg smell -- that's what accelerates heart disease, and that's what accelerates bone loss. So that's why we find the people living in nations where they eat the most dairy products are the ones with the highest rates of osteoporosis and heart disease. That's the reason."


This above quote was provided so that you would have some idea of what I was talking about without leaving the site. Please do not hurt me. I am not passing this off as my own. Plus, I'm obviously way way smarter than this, so thinking this is mine is really an insult anyway.




http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/lactoseintolerance/#risk

Workful Escapades

Now, boys and girls, behaving like 6 year old children while at work is strictly unadvised, but due to a lack of postular excitement, I'm going to write about experiences I have had on the job. More accurately, things that I have heard about while on the job. From my very, very mature and esteemed colleagues. I have great respect for them, and I'm completely sure that you will, too.

Story Number One: Lids are Really Quite Fun

So you get bored on the job. You've done all of the production necessary, the juice bar is full, the salad bar is full, and you sure as heck don't want to sack. What's a person to do? Go skating. Duh. How on earth do you go skating when its almost 60 degrees inside your room? Well many people may be shot down by this problem and find something to work on. Not "K" and "S". Being the resourceful people they are, and not wanting to give up, they think of a very good plan. They take the largest party tray lids they can find, I believe that they are 26" but really I don't know and it doesn't matter. They had big lids, thats all you need to know. They then took the sprayer that we use to wash dishes and liberally doused the floor with hot water. We've got a rubberish floor so no worries, plus it probably needed a good cleaning anyway. Once the slipperification was complete the skating rink was ready for action. The skating could commence! I'm sure it was a grand old time, but I was unfortunately not there so I will never know for sure. Even if I was I probably would have hidden in the cooler and watched them, I definitely wouldn't want to get caught doing that. They have been caught doing many such mature things, which I will continue to write about in future posts.

Don't we all wish that we could work at such a fun and exciting place? Well we can't. So get over it and stop whining to me. I don't care about your problems! Or maybe I do. You should give me comments about your problems and I can respond! It'll be like Dear Abby, but instead it could be Dearest Cabrito! Doesn't that sound like fun? I sure think so. Yes it does.