Aquasaurs!!!!!

My sister got these for me last christmas, and I'm sorry to say that I have yet to grow them. Despite the fact that I have nothing to say about them I'm going to squeeze out a few words.

I think that these little fellas are quite precious. They may leave a little to be desired. One problem begins in the instructions. It says that there are around 100 eggs in the little packet. Pour all of them in at once, it says, to insure that some live. It continues on to say that usually only two will end up living no matter how many eggs you put in, doesn't this seem a little unhelpful? If the little buggers always whittle eachother down to a male and female, why put in all 100 eggs? Sounds like some poor planning if you ask me. When I hatch mine I'm definitely going to only put in about a quarter of the egg packet. An added benefit is that if I do screw something up, I'll still have about 75 eggs to kill. Yippee!

Ugly Stinkin Furniture

Dear. Lord.

I think my eyes are crying blood.

Why did people invent furniture? I mean, I realize we are lazy and couldn't possibly stand or sit on the ground, but really. Why was it designed the way it was? And when did it start getting ugly? Take a look.

I think that it is quite obvious when furniture began to get ugly, its when it went from solid to veneer. Yes, my friends, that was the downfall of furniture. Looks like the British Kings and Queens always had ugly chairs. Sucks!

Seating used to be attractive, what is more sexy than a solid wood chair that weighs 600 pounds? Nothing! I'm glad you agree.

My basement is home to three very ugly items. One is a mustard yellow chair. We named it Colonel Mustard. Yeah that's right. Well it used to be mustardy, it is kind of losing some of its color and getting dirty, but one can still tell just how ugly it looked at birth. The second is a toffee colored chair. It is "fur" covered or something like that with .25 cm hairs that do little but make things stick to it. Like weird little sticky things that nobody knows what they are. Quite the turn on let me tell you. The third piece is a couch that is large and also a medium brown color. The unfortunate thing is the stripes running vertically along its length. They are different shades of brown, and each color has its own length of hair fibers, so that the overall effect of the couch is an ugly brown rug that got attacked by a lion.

I think that in recent history there must have been an Ugly Furniture Co-Op that decided that for the next 6 years all furniture manufactured should be hideous. I think it is safe to say they succeeded, looking at the picture of the couch above, and when one imagines my furniture. Blurg.

Mutant Carrot Strikes Back

Goodness me, I should really find something to blog about other than purple carrots, but they are just so interesting that I can't help myself. Not really, but they are quite easy to blog about. I recently told you about how I found a bottle of purple carrot juice in my store, well just in case you didn't believe me, here it is.



Yes, this is the exact same bottle as the one we sell in our store, full of vitamins minerals and other such fantastically healthy things. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if this was some other Hy-Vee, see that vegetable tray in the background? Looks suspiciously like the "Very-Veggie Tray" that we just started selling. They have snow peas, carrots, peppers, and tomatoes in them. And more but I can't and don't want to remember. I hate vegetables. They make your hands cold when you put them in little containers. I think that it is their way of striking back at humanity, killing one hand cell at a time. Vicious little things. This is why drinking this purple carrot fruit drink thing is good. Get back at the evil mutant vegetables! By the way, all Bolthouse Farms bottles of juice like the one shown cost $2.99. What a low, low price.

Oh man that reminds me. We have people talk over in store intercom about random things. They are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo annoying. I personally laugh every time the speaker messes up and has to start a word over. Muahahaha, shows them who's boss for ruining my quiet time. There I am sitting in my refridgerator of a back room, peacefully chopping up vegetables and whatnot, and bam. The intercom starts blaring about the low, low prices and wonderful fantastic beautiful deals. Too bad everything at Hy-Vee is overpriced. The salad bar isn't, though. Feel free to come and just eat salad. It's really quite delicious. My favorite thing in there, other than the Oreo Fluff, is the chicken. Its amazing. Uh. Mayzing. Can't get enough. Sometimes there are annoying little icky bits in them but hey, you can't have everything you whiner. Get over it.

K thanks for reading :)

Shoes Should Be Worshipped

Disclaimer: If you have sensitive ears and are mildly afraid of cross dressers... Do not watch this video. It is really quite funny, but can hurt the hearing organs of those that are unprepared and/or afraid of cussing. The ESRB (or is that just for video games... who cares) would give this a rating of PG-13 due to mild sexual content and mild swearing. Just watch the stupid thing and stop reading my blog. The video is way better.

Shoes...



Yum Yum. Gotta love those cross dressers and their fathers with very weird voices and facial expressions. The reason (some of) you were forced to endure that fantastic demonstration of all the amazing shoe varieties is simple; somebody threw a shoe at our not-so-amazing president.

I wish I were Borat, I would go high five the thrower.

Muntazer al-Zaidi is his name. Great guy, if only I could meet him. Boy oh boy does this sound anti-American. I'm all for America and everything it stands for.... except for that Bush guy. I can't believe that he got reelected, or even elected the first time. Something must be said for uninformed people in large masses. I'm actually generally a politically uninformed person, but even I, the Cabrito, would not have voted for Bush had I been old enough. He was destined to be a flop.

P.S. I suck at writing about politics, go read somebody else's blog. Humph.

P.S.S. While contemplating what to blog about next I remembered a video I had seen long ago. It is entitled muffins. It is a little bit less painful than the shoes one, and is oddly enough by the same YouTube person. Strange, indeed! I think that next time I have a muffin it will be the asbestos one just because it sounds oh so delicious. I'm really squeezing my brain hard and not much is coming out. Maybe I'll stop for the night. Sheesh. Talk about low quality blogs...

Contacts

Everyone with vision that is more poor than is lovable knows how wonderful glasses are. Some people have really crappy vision i.e. my neighbour, whereas some people just leave a little to be desired i.e. me.

The most amazing things ever must be contacts. They are quite the intriguing little things. When they are floating around in a bunch of solution (the solution itself is really quite miraculous) you can hardly see them. You scoop them out of their holding tank and its very weird because you usually can barely feel them. Its like they aren't even there. You go through them at a fairly nice clip, one set every two weeks. I just got rid of mine last night and I was wondering what would happen if i just let them sit out for a while and let the furnace suck the life out of them. Turns out these things should be used in the army. Let them dry out for a bit (in the Iraqi desert, for example) and they harden quite nicely. They turn into little curled up (yes, they curl up, as if they really did have the life sucked out of them) pieces of plastic. Like shrapnel. Shove one of those little suckers into a gun and bam! You could definitely teach somebody a lesson.

So that solution stuff I mentioned. Its fantastic. You can fill up a contact with it and shove it on your eye to prevent any sort of *mild* discomfort that might occur with a dry (potentially plasticky) contact. If you've got it filled a little bit too much then the contact makes a little bubble that you just blink away in the form of a tear. It would be pretty funny sometime to pretend a contact hurt you so bad that you cried and then show someone. It sometimes looks very dramatic and real because your eye is red anyway.

This post sucked, I am sorry if you read it.

(The following written 12/15/2008) So, I was by the sink cleaning out my war wounds from the last time I tried to shoot a contact at the enemy (in other words I was cleaning out my sockets from my wisdom teeth removal), and I decided to try to resurrect the contact. I filled up a little tablespoon measuring device with some water and set the contact off on its maiden sailing expedition. Enthralled onlookers shouted Bon Voyage from the harbor railings as they watched the brave little ship battle waves twice the size of mount everest. Shhh its a story you fool, stop arguing with me. Hem Hem. So what really happened was I set it in there and waited for the magic to happen. Nothing happened, what a drag. I promptly left the kitchen and did something worthwhile I'm sure. I returned one hour later to find my contact happily floating around, as pliable as the day it was born. What a heart-warming story of true love and everlasting peace, huh. Just thought you should know in case of contact emergency, though I'm not sure if you would want to soak it in water (apparently its bad) or put it in your eye, even if you had soaked it in saline.

Shedding

Random post, I know. Get over it.

Cats can be oh so cute and cuddly. That soft fur that covers them and makes them so exciting and lovable to little children the world over is actually the devil's spirit in inanimate-object form. Yes, this is true. Cats long ago were possessed by the devil, and to get him out they grew fur. The sunlight on their fur killed his little soul chunk that was possessing them, leaving only one small side effect. Shedding. Right before the piece of soul was destroyed it enacted one final piece of revenge and damaged the cells making the hair. Now today we are left with cats that drop their fur like there's no tomorrow. Many people don't care, because they don't have cats or want them. But to those people that own them, it is quite a pain in the you-know-where.

So why am I writing about such a topic? No reason. But I'm pretty sure nobody cares to read this anyway, so what does it matter? I'm practically talking to myself. Like an old woman chunnering to herself about this or that. I'm turning into an old lady! Oh no! Here's the funny thing though, when you imagine an old lady muttering to herself about kids these days or whatever else it is that old ladies mutter about these days, you imagine her talking to her cat, do you not? Yeah I thought so, thats what I think of too.

Oh, there I go getting all off topic again. So basically I'm turning a simple whiney blog that is worth about two sentences into a long post that will look like some Grade A Extra Fancy Heinz Ketchup. Or something like that. So whats the complaint, you ask? Hair.. Hair should be outlawed and everyone should have to shave all of their hair off. What a perfect world, no nasty pieces of hair getting stuck to your sexy black dress pants, your wonderful new coat, nowhere. No hair.

The perfect world.

Up Datation

I have found an amazing piece of information that really needs to be shared with anyone and everyone that cares to read this blog. So, for those lucky three of you, here we go.

I was at work checking out my region of the store. As anyone that has read any of my previous posts would know, I work in a grocery store's salad bar. The work doesn't only consist of making salads though, we also make little containers of disturbingly overpriced foods. We make containers of watermelon, strawberries, 6-Mix (pineapple, honeydew, cantaloupe, watermelon, strawberries, and grapes), pineapple, honeydew, cantaloupe, and watermelon. Then there are the less unhealthy things. Such as, taco haystack dip (amazing), vegetable pizzas (not amazing), fruit pizzas (fantastic), ranch wheels (who knows), and fruit and vegetable trays. These all cost about five times what it costs us to make them. The strawberries are priced at $4.49 / lb. Seriously. You can get a container of strawberries for like three bucks and it'll weigh two pounds. To make matters even more ridiculous, we sell brownies with whipped cream and sprinkles on top. One dollar. For a tiny little brownie with whipped cream smashed to the top from the plastic wrap. Disturbing!

I checked to make sure our juice bar (as the place where we put all the aforementioned goods is called) was well stocked and while facing it (making everything look good and full) I noticed some super juice drinks that were, of course, overpriced. Three dollars a bottle can get you a bottle filled with acai, vanilla bean, pineapple, coconut, and all sorts of other apparently really good-for-you things. The best one by far was... drum roll please... purple carrot! Purple carrot! I repeat. Purple carrot! Remember that post I just wrote about purple carrots? Well one week after that I found this amazing bottle! Pretty soon I'll buy it and then I'll write up a post exclusively about the amazing tasting purple carrot juice drink. Try not to die from over excitement.

P.S. That plastic wrap machine I mentioned is pretty fantastic though. Its like a massive double wide roll of it hanging on this little bar. It has a little table that you put the to-be-wrapped goods on in preparation for their big moment. The wrap slides out from underneath the table ready to go. Once you have liberally smothered whatever is being wrapped you need to detach your wrap from the roll, right? Well how do you do that if there is no sharp little blade thing to cut it for you? You melt it! Yep. That's how we do it. There is a 200 degree metal bar and you just stick the wrap and there and kapow! It melts cleanly off and you are left with a neat little package that has more wrap on it now than it did when it was sold to you. Wonderful!